Tis this season to make a bunch of promises you won’t keep past 4 p.m. on Jan.
1. I am pleased to report that I have kept my New Year’s resolution every year for nearly 20 years now. I’ll tell you at the end of this column unless I run out of room first.
According to the exhaustive research involved in preparing this column (using the I Feel Lucky option on Google), the No. 1 resolution is to spend more time with family and friends.
Why? What did they ever do to you? Did you bother to ask if they want to spend more time with you? Maybe you spend entirely enough time with them now. Maybe you spend too much time with them. If you bother to ask them, they may say their resolution is to help you find a job on the other side of the planet.
No. 2 is the perennial favorite - get in shape. I happen to be in shape. Round is a shape. I learned that in basic geometry in elementary school. One year I said I would become a polyhedron but the religious right threatened to protest outside my house saying that was an offense against nature.
No. 3 is closely linked to No. 2, lose weight. Considering how well you keep up with your car keys and spare change, this should be a no brainer. Just treat weight like you do that important message you wrote down so you would not forget and there you go! You have lost the weight. The trick is to quit looking for it once you lose it.
I was surprised to see that Quit Smoking ranked No. 4. Why? What’s wrong with you people? Smoking is one of the great pleasures in life. Myself, I plan to smoke far more this year. Now that I can honey and sugar cure hams, I’m gonna be smoking hams all over the place. Might smoke some chickens and some slabs of beef too.
At the No. 5 post is enjoy life more. That one is already shot to pieces. You’ve already resolved to spend more time with family, the very people you go to work to escape from, try to form yourself into something seen only in an MC Escher painting and quit eating good food. Pick one. Enjoy life or torture yourself. Unless you are a masochist, in which case enjoy everything at once.
No. 6 is Quit Drinking. Now THERE’S a way to get into shape. Quit eating and drinking and you’ll be in perfect shape to fit inside a coffin in a week. What is wrong with people today?This will also help you spend more time with family and friends, albeit not for very long.
No. 7 is get out of debt. That’s easy. Declare bankruptcy. You’re welcome. I specialize in good advice.
Some people believe learning something new is a resolution, No. 8 in the list. These people are obviously not Reboobicans or Damnocrats or politicians, all of whom resolve to avoid learning at all costs.
It’s not even the New Year and I have achieved No. 9 - Help others. This column is pack full of sound advice. Here’s another one - Quit making new year’s resolutions.
Rounding out the top 10 is Get Organized. Can’t help you there, as anyone who’s ever seen my desk can testify. Since you’re wondering, my NYR is: I resolve to not overthrow the government of any third world nation unless I get paid a lot of money. As I’m still poor and broke, you can safely assume I’ve kept this resolution ever since first making it.