So, did you make it through the Mayan apocalypse intact? I ask because I care.
If you got caught up the devastation created by Planet X hurling through the solar system and knocking Earth out of orbit and into the chilling depths of interstellar space, I’m willing to loan you a jacket to keep warm until the planet starts circling another star.
I don’t want to brag or anything, but just for the record, I have now survived the End of The World some 70 times. I am not kidding either. That’s some kind of record I think. How many people do you know who have survived the End of the World even once? I’ll hit some highlights for you.
The first time I survived was in 1967 when George Van Tassel predicted the world would end, or at least the Southern United States in a nuclear firestorm. He said he got the information from an alien named “Ashtar.” It’s no real surprise that I don’t remember this Soviet attack on the US because I was only a few months old at the time.
To be charitable, the next two times the world ended, in 1967 and 1969, I was too young to really understand the devastation being wrought across the planet. For that matter, I don’t remember 1969 so the end of the world is probably a moot point.
1975 was a great year. Not only do I remember it, I survived a world-ending catastrophe twice. Herbert Armstrong and the Jehovah's Witnesses both said the world was coming to an end because God was coming to judge the world. Despite surviving, I do not remember the verdict the Creator handed down.
The world twice ended again in 1977, again by the hand of God according to preacher-type people. William Branham said the Rapture would occur that year. I am not sure where Mr. Branham got his information, but my information said Rapture happened in 1980. The hit song by Blondie also remains one of the very few rap songs that has been tested on laboratory rats and found to cause spontaneous dancing as opposed to most other rap songs which cause rats to grab AK47s and shoot each other screaming “WEST COAST” or “EAST COAST!”
More people who claimed to speak for God said the end of the world continued to be nigh until a pair of scientists predicted the world would be ripped apart on March 10, 1982 because of syzygy. Syzygy is a word which should not be pronounced by an amateur as it can cause the tongue to cut itself in two. Perhaps many people attempting to pronounce the word at one time caused the world to shatter.
In case you are wondering, the world ended four times in 1982. I regret to tell you I missed at least one of these because I was busy loading watermelons on summer break while my friends were in various summer camps enjoying themselves.
The world was spared until 1984 when George Orwell’s famous book came to life and devoured the planet. A church in Chicago expected a Rapture to climb the charts again. I missed that one too because I was busy looking at the world through the bottom of a beer bottle and had quit listening to Blondie in favor of Black Sabbath and Molly Hatchet.
In 1987 - and I clearly remember this - the world ended when R.E.M. released the hit song “It’s the End of the World as We Know It.” I felt fine about it then and I still feel fine.
According to Harold Camping, the world has ended five times. The world ended three times in 1994 and twice in 2011.
The sheer record for the number of times the world has ended belongs to 2000. The world ended a mind-boggling 17 times that year. I confess to only remembering a handful of these, most prominently the Y2K Bug which crippled the world’s electronics and thrust us back into a medieval dark ages.
In case you are wondering the world end three times in 2012. The next time the world will end, according to Ronald Weinland is May 19, 2013. Whew. Right after my birthday.